uncomplicated grief on mother's day
on replacing anger with empathy.
When my mom died six years ago I was overcome with grief, of course, but I also had an overwhelming undercurrent of anger coursing through me. Anger at her for dying. Anger at the lack of depth of our relationship at the end. Anger at her for keeping the truths of her disease (stage IV metastatic melanoma) from me. Anger at my own ignorance thinking she was going to be just fine and that we’d have more time to rebuild our relationship. My sadness and anger were all consuming at times. Anger makes grief feel more complicated.
Through therapy, I eventually let go of most of the anger, which was a weight off my chest. But it wasn’t until I was in the midst of my own cancer treatment that the anger was truly replaced with forgiveness and a flood of empathy.
I finally had a glimpse into what she was actually going through. The things she didn’t say. The anxiety of doctor’s appointments and scans. The intense side effects of chemotherapy. The reckoning with looking completely unlike yourself with the hair loss and new scars scattered across your body. And while the empathy replaced the anger, I also felt such extreme sadness that she didn’t share more about her diagnosis and treatment. Even with the best support system in place, I have never felt such loneliness as I did while in the midst of treatment.
The anniversary of her death passed in April and the day felt so much different than previous years. I never work on the day. I always try to do something creative or fulfilling. This year, I went for a swim, and I felt my body getting stronger post-chemotherapy. And then Jared and I went for a stroll through Old Sacramento. Tasting old time candies, trying on every sterling ring in my size, and letting the scent of freshly popped kettle corn overtake our senses.
And then I came home and I cried. I cried that I got to be in remission and she didn’t. I cried that she had to go through things alone because she was trying so hard to be strong. And I cried because my grief, for the first time, felt so uncomplicated. I finally understood my mom.
What I’m Reading: Emma by Jane Austen
What I’m Hearing: Solicited Advice with Alison Roman
What I’m Watching: Grey’s Anatomy (Still…)
What I’m Smelling: The Sun Card by Marissa Zappas